Denial

I started this post last fall and then I got a tragic unexpected call that my sister passed away. I needed time to mourn and process. Also being recently told of my own health issues I wondered about my own immortality. I didn't have any health  care at the time and was now dealing with high blood pressure. And before I could get my bearings I lost my beloved Uncle to cancer. Knowing in the back of my mind this could be the out come as he fought his second diagnosis, still shocking and heart wrenching in the end. It felt as if the family members who were the integral glue that help connect the family together are gone.

I now feel like I'm back to my normal or my new normal and now want to tackle my own health issues and life imbalances
Now I'm back at it again and ready to talk about what I wanted to months ago, my own health issues and demons about health. This will probably be broken up to smaller chunks to make it easier to digest. Maybe  a 3 parter  or 4. There is so much to talk about now. Maybe even chime in every now and again about my progress or non progress and setbacks. Don't worry this is about me being an artist working in the service industry managing my art life, friends and non existent love life. As I started this and restarted this post I have learned something, had some challenges incorporated those challenges and think I have it down only to start all over again.

Let's start with ignoring obvious signs my health might've be in danger. More like denial, oh no the reading is wrong. I do get very stressed when driving. I didn't get enough sleep or I skipped breakfast. It can't be, I practically exercise every day. Denial is  the beanie chair tool of feelings. To be in denial allows you to never change it blinds you from learning or discovering. It can keep you comfortable to not challenge yourself. I denied it. Made  fun of it, but it was always there in the corner of my mind. I'm learning my lesson. Because when you deny something you only make it worse. I could no longer ignore the state of my health. For the past ten years off and on I've been meaning to lose the extra weight and eat better. And for awhile I would but then I  give into temptation and laziness and get into a fast food habit or I love my sweets too much, I can't do this. And why does everything taste better fried? I should go do the run I said I would today but I want to mind numbingly look through Facebook or I'm going to start that next project I've been thinking about, after I mind numbingly look through Facebook and finishing up my project is far more important than a  thirty minute run or going to bed on time for work tomorrow.

As much as I enjoy being active. It's keeping my commitment that's the hardest. I've never after a workout thought I wish I didn't do that. The trouble is getting myself to start the workout. It's true I hate to admit but I like to be lazy, I like my food and I'm addicted to the Internet. The bigger contradiction is being active is something I enjoy and I tend to gravitate to healthier food when I have a choice. How does someone like me get out of shape? Started with depression and then bad habits I didn't break one out of the depression. The really bad one is sleep. I'm either never getting enough or I get to much. Truth, I'm in a rut I never got out of and I am a bit of a lazy bone and self centered. Trust me it all adds up. No matter the love of exhaustion and exhilaration after the end of a good work out. I like pushing myself, I want to feel the burn, I love the soreness the next day.  I love everyday progress I see when I challenge myself. I also will get only 3 hours of rest the night before work and want to take a nap that instead turns into 4 hours of sleep. And as long as I get to dance, do pilates, yoga and surprise running I don't have trouble starting I also like to sit on my ass and eat the food I love so after the new new and freshness wears off it's hard for me to keep the routine going. But like most people wanting to lose weight I still have this lingering mentality that I can do this for three months get myself where I want to be and then have all the Oreos I want after. Nope that's not how it works. I know this I've actually been working on this part for the last year. Hey, for 12 months in a row I went on a run. The food part is the hardest.

Now I know the question you might want to ask. What has changed now that you want to blog about your quest to find health and a happy weight? Well I may chime in from time to time about the realities of becoming a healthier fitter me. But no worries this still is about me working two jobs at two different museums while being a super talented artist who doesn't make any money at. What has changed that I'm taking my health seriously and want to make a true change, High blood pressure. It's like serious you don't mess around with that. Especially since my numbers are that off a 60 year old and I'm not even 40 yet. It's not the machine giving an inaccurate reading. It's not because I didn't get enough sleep last night. It's me it's my body telling me it can't take what I'm doing to it anymore. So no more denial the numbers don't lie. I also don't want to be a hypocrite either. I don't know how much is hereditary and I'm sure I'm going to need medication. But if there are all these other solutions to lower my blood pressure without medication then I'm going to do that too. I don't want take a drug all my life that has side effects just so I can eat sweet and sour chicken and drink coffee all day. I want to make the right food decision and be more active, because those were my habits. That was me too. And I I can flip the switch and be this I can flip the switch and be better. It's so much more exhausting saying I'll try again tomorrow. I have become complacent in my bad habits. Through depression I found solace in fast food and staying up late. I need to break those habits.Now my body is suffering for those choices and I don't want to take a magical pill so I can stay complacent in my bad choices. I want to do what I use to do and if that fails to lower my blood pressure then by all means I'll take that pill.  So here is where it starts, let's see how it goes. . .

I do have a six pack