Late Bloomers are Always in a Pickle

It's like a 10 years non existence of nothing. However yet I still find myself pining after you and contemplating if there is actually something there. As much as I don't want to, as much as I know it's not worth it, as much as I know it be better for me if I just forget you, as much as I tell myself to just stop, I don't. I will waver back and forth and you always win. I guess the heart is a persnickety creature. Or is it, that stupid 90's thing of wanting closure. Because sometimes it feels it was all in my head or was there some flirting in the beginning, then as always my timing is off and even though I might have been somewhat obsessively pushy. I always feel if all else fails be obsessively pushy, that'll seal the deal, not. It's not entirely my fault, with all do respect he was a such an ass about it. Shouldn't that be enough to forget it and move on, why am I trying to hold on to nothing, get back nothing., going back and forth of wanting to knee him in the teeth to then forgive and let be. Now four years later I'm chasing him down at shows. Cause of course he would be in band and be a drummer. What am I thinking? It is possible I just like hating myself feeling like some deranged groupie. Which by the way, no matter how I'll try to explain or get my point across I'll be that crazy girl. My first show in a while I couldn't say anything. I did want to enjoy myself, I thought being silent and adverting eyes was the best way to come off as cold and dead inside. When I left there alone, thinking I blew it.. I shouldn't have been a bitch. See what happens when a I'm bitch, I feel guilty it about always, later. And of course because I blew it last time, I don't even get a second time to at least try to mend things at the next show.

 Here I am with no closure and no way of making amends to the past. I could get another chance but lets face it, I had my second chance and there's no getting it back. I could wait around for another, but what for, I'm only the one who puts out the effort, who puts myself out on the line for what? Another humiliation. The easiest way to work a guy out of my system, kiss him, fuck him, be absolutely disgusted by him. So how do you work yourself out from under a man and move on, when you never where exactly underneath him. Hmmm, and its not like I'm not eyeing other people, but I seem to be in this vortex where I can't get a date, let alone a boyfriend to save my life. A welcomed distraction of my time would be nice and yes I have my art and maybe my I'm going to die an old maid so why even bother, but that boy sure is cute isn't getting me anywhere, maybe something that's a more proactive pursuit. I could also look at my possibilities which is another drummer, which come on have I not learned my lesson already or the guy I occasionally fuck. Which NO, I should never, why ruin a good thing just to get over some other guy. I have picked up every known craft a spinster could have(and by every known, I mean sewing and knitting), unless I want to start making things out of cat hair, something has got to change. So as you can see I do have my pickle in quite the jam. Either I become my next work in progress. Or have this slight obsession of trying to mend something that is beyond repair. Lets not talk about how dangerously close I am to emailing him again which is kinda how I found myself in this mess to begin with. OK, so obsessing about me it is.

Measurement Of Beauty

On the rare occasion that I visit my twitter page, I see this tweet posted in my stream linking interesting facts about Marilyn Monroe. I wanted to read the article and maybe learn something new about Ms. Monroe that I hadn't before. I bookmarked it for a later read. It turned out that the main part of the article was about her weight and that the most interesting unknown facts, for me at least, where the bottom bulletin points. At first I brushed the article off a bit peeved. Then the article really got to me. Does there really need to be another article stating that in fact Marilyn was very petite according to her measurements and dress size, despite rumors being of a much larger size. I won't mention the measurement and guessed dress size. I won't play into numbers game, I don't find it necessary, as I find them to be irreverent to what I want to talk about.

I was disappointed that yet again a common misconception about a past starlet would be her weight. Disappointed even more that one of my favorite burlesque stars would be the one to tweet about said confirmation, that in fact Marilyn did have a body unattainable by most humans. I guess I can't be totally shocked as when she was in town, they're weren't any black burlesque dancers in the show. Correction she didn't have any in her last strip strip hooray but the current tour there was one.That is however a topic for another day. I don't want to talk about why she would post about this article, but about what this article is quietly saying and what she is quietly agreeing to consciously and unconsciously.

I will start by saying beauty has nothing to do with a waistline. It comes in all colors, shapes and sizes. It is not only appearance but character and how you carry yourself. You will never see a now you know article on the size of Cary Grant's pants. You will never here another male actor exclaim "As handsome as Grant was I would kill myself if I was ever his size". So let me plunge that knife slowly for you Ms. Elizabeth Hurley because according to the article you are a bit gorda in the waistline. If we were to take what Elizabeth Hurley said about Marilyn's body and that she in fact did say those words and since the article then goes to compare Marilyn's body to yours and since besides height you're basically the same and since you think being that size is so unforgivable. Yes, please kill yourself. We are then to believe that despite being adored by millions still and having a presence on camera that no other actress has been able to duplicate, we must have her beauty measured and pinned down to a dress size, holding to the ideal of certain measurements is the definition of beauty. And if you can't obtain it then you are not beautiful.

I found this quote from Marilyn. Who says "Big breast, big ass, big deal. Can't I be anything else? Gee, how long can you be sexy?".  Why is it that girls feel pressured to be pretty, sexy, or desirable? To obtain the unattainable? Because society burdens them to do so. Other than this article there are countless magazine's, online catalogs, and media, that have gone beyond air brushing into digitally altering bodies to resemble some type of subhuman of beauty that even the model isn't able to achieve without the help of a computer.

So we should be outraged that we are marketed to always have flawless skin, to never age, and be allowed to have a size 2 body six weeks after giving birth. We should be outraged that we are mostly shown as an object to have, that it's usually sex as a way to get noticed. To be outraged that to be shown as a woman of power comes with being stigmatized. Instead we should demand more real beauty be shown, If we demanded more real varying representation of women are shown, if we demanded that we not always be shown overly sexual and more than just body. Then maybe our girls won't be overly concerned about their waist lines, if there breast size is big enough. Maybe they wouldn't be concerned about if they are sexy enough for a boy. If we demanded to be seen more equal among men, then we can be more outraged of the selling of girls around the world. We would be more outraged of our girls being denied an education in other countries. Then we could be more outraged of the raping  and domestic violence against our sisters who never get their justice. 

Please don't get me misunderstood there is nothing wrong with a girl being pretty or wanting to beautiful or being sexual. To putting on a lipstick and wearing a dress. It is ok doing what makes you feel confident, beautiful, and strong, but do know that just because you don't have a waist line like Jennifer Aniston you are any less beautiful. If you don't have a waif like body like Kate Moss or full figure like Sofia Vergara, marvel at the fact that your body allows you to climb stairs everyday, or you can run 5 miles, that you are able to write, knit, create music, or change a tire. All I'm saying is there are countless and boundless ways to measure beauty. And unlike this article it has to do less with numbers or what you find in a fashion magazine. There is more to being a pretty face. There are so much more things that matter then the size of you're waist. Marilyn realized that and so should you.

“To all the girls that think you’re fat because you’re not a size zero, you’re the beautiful one, its society who’s ugly.”

Marilyn Monroe

Common misconception about Marilyn Monroe: http://t.co/K40DL0Erp8
— Dita Von Teese (@DitaVonTeese) December 27, 2013

OK so now I can get off my soap box for now and will continue with my regular programming.