According To Herself - I

I've always liked dancers. I enjoy dancing. It's no wonder that I have a few as friends.  See there were a few well known ballet dancers who hung out in the same circles that I did. Fate eventually happened and I became so much a part of their world. They enjoyed my company I enjoyed theirs. I never felt like I didn't belong. They weren't my friend because they pitied me. They genuinely thought me as one of them. For me that meant everything. I considered myself a pretend dancer. I mean no one has ever paid to see me dance.

I didn't mind being a spectator of their love they were such the amazing couple and to be their friend to be able to see that love up close, I felt special. I also was able to find a ballet guy of my own. A bit goofy but wonderful in his own way. Someone greatly athletic and talented be into me, who knew? So as couples we did lots of things together. There was no mistake who the shining couple was. They were the Angelina and Brad Pitt couple of ballet. It came to a surprise when she came to one day saying she hasn't talked to him in weeks or seen him for days. She thinks it might be over, but wished he would talk to her. How could this happen to them, not her. Not my best friends.

I said I would find out for her. If there was any help to mend the relationship or if it's ended I'd let her know. I was suppose to meet him for this night of stuff only we would enjoy it was our night to get way from our loving half with stuff planned in prior weeks. He's a bit of an old ball like me. It was a good way to these things and not be alone. After getting the news from her l thought he might have changed his mind about wanting to hang with me.  I texted something like I guess with the certain circumstances our night out together is off. He replied of course we are still going to do it. It's going to be the best night ever.

We started the night at the spot it would end, exploring the city's dark and twisted places  only we of our crowd could delight in. Wild strange parties with weird fantastic people. Dancing under crazy fluorescent lights. I even think there was karaoke sung by people wearing fur animal costumes in a bar that mimicked the cosmos. It was a night I wouldn't forget. I have to say that I love everyone dearly in the ballet circle I became a part of. But how I'm feeling about him tonight is different. It never crossed my mind to think of him this way. He has always been with her, happy with her. I shake the feelings aside. However I had to ask why before we continued tonight he quickly said that it is over between them. He said that she can't let go and tries to avoid her because she doesn't want it to be over. He grabs my hand. Come on! It's on to the next place. Did I just see that. Is he feeling this too. But he feels comfortable about it. Has he been feeling this way before. Am I just now seeing it? Is my imagination wanting it to be true?

The night is mid way and my boyfriend pops up to see how things are going.  Goofier than ever to the point of irritation. Is it that I always find him this annoying. I try to brush it off. I kiss him goodbye. He's perfect he's mine.

The night is winding down for the big finish. I'm finally able to catch my breath. But before the closing ceremony starts he wants to take me out to the beach side that the bar has. It's suppose to be the best view of the coast ever. Once we push through the crowd and reach the patio and look out the glass, the perfect moment he was trying to set dies. He forgot there has been an unusual surge of water and there is no way we can walk out to the beach side and enjoy the view. Not without certain risk of death. We go back in, surprised to see her we dart off before she can see us. I don't know how to act because I keep getting these feelings coming out nowhere about him and as the night has progressed I think he cares for me to, but is it the same as I feel? I don't know. Seeing her only adds guilt. I am her friend also after all. He pulls me away to hide.  He heads us to the girls bathroom. I tell him no he can't, it will be awkward. Here? No one will notice, no one will care. Fine, he grabs a wig off someone. Now I can. Where in the bathroom for a while the girls adore him and have a little fun. I tell him this is silly we're going to miss the last bit of the night. We don't want to miss the big ceremony. We head out, she is still there and truly enjoying herself, thinking only of herself. I can see the jealousy in him as he watches her. It makes me feel weak. I let him go to stand by her. The enjoyment she was having quickly washes away. They have a talk. I watch the ceremony half heartily. The conversation ends. I sense she is feeling sad. I walk up to her and give her a hug from behind. I feel her fall into my hug and pull away at the same time. I know that she cares for our friendship, but I do not know if she will be the same friend as before. I think about my boyfriend and then I think about him. I watch him as he dances something inside me intensifies. I join him, not knowing what decision I'll make.

Late Bloomers are Always in a Pickle

It's like a 10 years non existence of nothing. However yet I still find myself pining after you and contemplating if there is actually something there. As much as I don't want to, as much as I know it's not worth it, as much as I know it be better for me if I just forget you, as much as I tell myself to just stop, I don't. I will waver back and forth and you always win. I guess the heart is a persnickety creature. Or is it, that stupid 90's thing of wanting closure. Because sometimes it feels it was all in my head or was there some flirting in the beginning, then as always my timing is off and even though I might have been somewhat obsessively pushy. I always feel if all else fails be obsessively pushy, that'll seal the deal, not. It's not entirely my fault, with all do respect he was a such an ass about it. Shouldn't that be enough to forget it and move on, why am I trying to hold on to nothing, get back nothing., going back and forth of wanting to knee him in the teeth to then forgive and let be. Now four years later I'm chasing him down at shows. Cause of course he would be in band and be a drummer. What am I thinking? It is possible I just like hating myself feeling like some deranged groupie. Which by the way, no matter how I'll try to explain or get my point across I'll be that crazy girl. My first show in a while I couldn't say anything. I did want to enjoy myself, I thought being silent and adverting eyes was the best way to come off as cold and dead inside. When I left there alone, thinking I blew it.. I shouldn't have been a bitch. See what happens when a I'm bitch, I feel guilty it about always, later. And of course because I blew it last time, I don't even get a second time to at least try to mend things at the next show.

 Here I am with no closure and no way of making amends to the past. I could get another chance but lets face it, I had my second chance and there's no getting it back. I could wait around for another, but what for, I'm only the one who puts out the effort, who puts myself out on the line for what? Another humiliation. The easiest way to work a guy out of my system, kiss him, fuck him, be absolutely disgusted by him. So how do you work yourself out from under a man and move on, when you never where exactly underneath him. Hmmm, and its not like I'm not eyeing other people, but I seem to be in this vortex where I can't get a date, let alone a boyfriend to save my life. A welcomed distraction of my time would be nice and yes I have my art and maybe my I'm going to die an old maid so why even bother, but that boy sure is cute isn't getting me anywhere, maybe something that's a more proactive pursuit. I could also look at my possibilities which is another drummer, which come on have I not learned my lesson already or the guy I occasionally fuck. Which NO, I should never, why ruin a good thing just to get over some other guy. I have picked up every known craft a spinster could have(and by every known, I mean sewing and knitting), unless I want to start making things out of cat hair, something has got to change. So as you can see I do have my pickle in quite the jam. Either I become my next work in progress. Or have this slight obsession of trying to mend something that is beyond repair. Lets not talk about how dangerously close I am to emailing him again which is kinda how I found myself in this mess to begin with. OK, so obsessing about me it is.

This is my issh

How does one share their personal life. I think it's worth mentioning in this blog, it is practically about my life. Why not share my abilities at missing signals, misinterpeting signals that were never there and always late realizing that there were signals? So here is a brief history of my non - existent love life.

The difficulties with men started probably in elementry school  with a boy, color scented markers, and a flying paper airplane, but who has that kind of time to go back that far. Lets leave that to a pyschiatrist. The past decade, lets start there. It makes for sweet short story of complications and the major slump I can't seem to get myself out of.

A thing to know about me I like to feel guarded at all times. I never fully let my true emotions show. You should always just bury certain feelings really deep down under the surface. And you stuff it down deep hoping he'll make the first move. When that doesn't happen you  reveal those feelings at the most critical of times so that you look like a complete crazy stalking fool. I can't seem to bring my tortured feelings up for a guy unless he finally moves thousands of miles away or he has given up and moved on to find him a normal girl. On a night many years ago, after not being able to sleep I muster up a sleep deprived courage to send one gruesome pathetic email to... let's call him Dr. C. I knew after hitting send the feelings wouldn't be mutual. I think it was about expelling the truth so that I could move on. I could have cared less what his feelings were. I did it I can move on. So I thought then I get the responding email. The only clear part is he had a girlfriend at the time.

So that's that, we're just friends, cool? right? However my little brain can't leave it at that. It was how it was said and the winking smiley face. My little brain eventually managed to move on or can I say back to his friend a former bandmate and that turned about to be a crackhouse mess of a decision. In the end he put it like this " I have two jobs and a girlfriend I barely even have time for my friends." Bam, not even considered a friend. In hindsight I might have been a bit of a phone stalkerish and didn't handle the non friend gesture politely. I did however try to see if maybe we could mend and truly be friends and as of that how things are now is all on him. It seems that is impossible gesture for him to even respond to leaving me slightly angry with bitter resentment and I might have carried that hatred and resentment of him (Mr. Prick) on Dr C who didn't do anything to deserve that. Currently I hate on Mr Prick mostly ignore Dr. C and on ocasion I get it on with ever faithful Loyal D. For the most part everything is perfect, except that I'm bored. It's not happily ever after or perfect, but it works. Sure I would like a boyfriend. I don't make a great of girlfriend. Then Dr. C goes and do this:

Made me smile...hope all is
attached :
 

 What? no why? he still has the framed anatomy page I gave him from years ago. What does this mean, yes he recently graduated and maybe it's a hey thanks for the encouragement I did it, but when in our brief history has he ever sent a quick message on his on recognizance? Never.. ok maybe one time a Birthday e-card, so it could probably mean nothing. It's usually me that initates the contact and half the time I don't get a response. And of course there was a winky face making it's appearance in the subject line. If it's strictly platonic keep the winky faces at a minum of none. Because otherwise you're flirting or you'll become that creepy old guy that winks at every girl. Weeks later I've decided it meant nothing. However fool me once yada yada. I'm not falling for it anymore. Love ya, wish him the best, but a girls gotta move on. This year I won't be a spaz and try not to fall into my ruiner of love ways. I could even not be guarded and be true with my feelings with friends, family and loved ones. Maybe I really do want a real true actual boyfriend , well see how it goes.

Comfortable Shoes- May 21st

Never considered myself to be a too tall gal. But maybe tall enough that the short guys look me over and walk on. To never be hit on at all, makes this short guy geek well, feel very small. However I adore short handsome men. Their like bite size single serving delicacies. Until I really got to think about. As I all maul things over while checking out this beautiful short guy over the counter. Up and down and all around I noticed that this bite size delicacy had  tiny man hands. And  as I look at his tiny, man, hands and then mine and his tiny hands and back to mine. I realized I couldn't do it with a man who's hands are tinier than mine and with this I know I ain't missing on anything.