According To Herself - I

I've always liked dancers. I enjoy dancing. It's no wonder that I have a few as friends.  See there were a few well known ballet dancers who hung out in the same circles that I did. Fate eventually happened and I became so much a part of their world. They enjoyed my company I enjoyed theirs. I never felt like I didn't belong. They weren't my friend because they pitied me. They genuinely thought me as one of them. For me that meant everything. I considered myself a pretend dancer. I mean no one has ever paid to see me dance.

I didn't mind being a spectator of their love they were such the amazing couple and to be their friend to be able to see that love up close, I felt special. I also was able to find a ballet guy of my own. A bit goofy but wonderful in his own way. Someone greatly athletic and talented be into me, who knew? So as couples we did lots of things together. There was no mistake who the shining couple was. They were the Angelina and Brad Pitt couple of ballet. It came to a surprise when she came to one day saying she hasn't talked to him in weeks or seen him for days. She thinks it might be over, but wished he would talk to her. How could this happen to them, not her. Not my best friends.

I said I would find out for her. If there was any help to mend the relationship or if it's ended I'd let her know. I was suppose to meet him for this night of stuff only we would enjoy it was our night to get way from our loving half with stuff planned in prior weeks. He's a bit of an old ball like me. It was a good way to these things and not be alone. After getting the news from her l thought he might have changed his mind about wanting to hang with me.  I texted something like I guess with the certain circumstances our night out together is off. He replied of course we are still going to do it. It's going to be the best night ever.

We started the night at the spot it would end, exploring the city's dark and twisted places  only we of our crowd could delight in. Wild strange parties with weird fantastic people. Dancing under crazy fluorescent lights. I even think there was karaoke sung by people wearing fur animal costumes in a bar that mimicked the cosmos. It was a night I wouldn't forget. I have to say that I love everyone dearly in the ballet circle I became a part of. But how I'm feeling about him tonight is different. It never crossed my mind to think of him this way. He has always been with her, happy with her. I shake the feelings aside. However I had to ask why before we continued tonight he quickly said that it is over between them. He said that she can't let go and tries to avoid her because she doesn't want it to be over. He grabs my hand. Come on! It's on to the next place. Did I just see that. Is he feeling this too. But he feels comfortable about it. Has he been feeling this way before. Am I just now seeing it? Is my imagination wanting it to be true?

The night is mid way and my boyfriend pops up to see how things are going.  Goofier than ever to the point of irritation. Is it that I always find him this annoying. I try to brush it off. I kiss him goodbye. He's perfect he's mine.

The night is winding down for the big finish. I'm finally able to catch my breath. But before the closing ceremony starts he wants to take me out to the beach side that the bar has. It's suppose to be the best view of the coast ever. Once we push through the crowd and reach the patio and look out the glass, the perfect moment he was trying to set dies. He forgot there has been an unusual surge of water and there is no way we can walk out to the beach side and enjoy the view. Not without certain risk of death. We go back in, surprised to see her we dart off before she can see us. I don't know how to act because I keep getting these feelings coming out nowhere about him and as the night has progressed I think he cares for me to, but is it the same as I feel? I don't know. Seeing her only adds guilt. I am her friend also after all. He pulls me away to hide.  He heads us to the girls bathroom. I tell him no he can't, it will be awkward. Here? No one will notice, no one will care. Fine, he grabs a wig off someone. Now I can. Where in the bathroom for a while the girls adore him and have a little fun. I tell him this is silly we're going to miss the last bit of the night. We don't want to miss the big ceremony. We head out, she is still there and truly enjoying herself, thinking only of herself. I can see the jealousy in him as he watches her. It makes me feel weak. I let him go to stand by her. The enjoyment she was having quickly washes away. They have a talk. I watch the ceremony half heartily. The conversation ends. I sense she is feeling sad. I walk up to her and give her a hug from behind. I feel her fall into my hug and pull away at the same time. I know that she cares for our friendship, but I do not know if she will be the same friend as before. I think about my boyfriend and then I think about him. I watch him as he dances something inside me intensifies. I join him, not knowing what decision I'll make.

Love Blah

The past-time of looking up ex's and stalking them on social media was talked about at work. Though at the moment it seemed painfully clear, just don't. I was smart enough to bite my tongue remembering, it isn't an easy temptation to avoid. Secretly I held my head high and thought to myself, thank God I don't have an ex I feel compelled to stalk on the internet. Mostly because for years no one has wanted me or as of late I have been compelled to live a spinsters life. Then I get home and think to myself , who, who from my dating past would I want to look up? Oh stop living in denial, just three weeks ago you were looking up J for an email address and a few days ago I wanted to know how Loser B turned out. But I have been a very good little girl and it's been years since I've looked up E, which had in the past become a borderline obsession, but what about Bastard the third? I have mildly stalked, nothing over the top though. Phew, I'm normal and no longer need to dwell on the subject.

And like a true insomniac moments after my head hitting the pillow in protest to sleep. I pop up grab my kindle and feverishly I start looking up J and then I move onto E and no need to look up B as days ago I found, he actually got his shit together. He is now responsible for a tiny human and learned how to run a comb through his hair, Oh! and is that button up collard shirt underneath a sweater? Cheers mate, can't be mad at ya. At the end of my "research" the closure I was so seeking and needing, I finally got. It would be unorthodox to use people smart, people search, intelius... etc to get rid of you're issues. It probably isn't for everyone, but it's a lot cheaper than a therapist. I have finally exorcised the boyfriends of Andria's past. You know the nagging part of me that thought every waking day they thought about me and the missed opportunity of ever having a girl like me. Well turns out I am as forgettable as I seem and there's a reason why things don't work out. Lesson learned never chase anything that was never meant to be. Never dream a failed never to exists love will magically come to be. That shit only exist in movies.

During my research I found out whatever they wanted from a significant other they wouldn't find in me. I'm not the white picket fence child bearing type. I like my freedom, my whelm to do whatever I want. To not express concern to things I don't care about or to fell the need to have all of my waking days filled with only one certain person. I want to go out and party with just my friends or meet new people and not have to answer to someone. To sleep past noon. I like to be concerned about what im wearing. To spend my money irresponsibly on skinny jeans, not ill-fitted mom jeans. Hey, if that's you're cup of tea that's you're cup tea and congrats in finding it. I am a irresponsible responsible adult and I don't find myself changing that anytime soon. As I have found what I actually want to do and get from my life I have come to realize what I want from a boyfriend isn't from the past, thank god! In my heart of hearts I will believe there is someone in the future for me, as peculiar and particular as I am eventually I will be with the one I'm suppose to be with, possibly...maybe

Comfortable Shoes--July 25

You Know --
You know when, you break up with a guy and you're all devasted and don't understand why? But hoping to still be friends and you end up never seeing each other again despite your best efforts. Finally having months or years apart you reach that moment of clarity and you say to yourself what ya know he was a dick. Had me thinking it was me?! Damn shame I wasted all that time on a prick thinking he was worth something.  Now is there anyway to share this clarity with said dick without appearing bitter?

Comfortable Shoes-June 3rd

I don't make a great girlfriend. I'm glad that I finally realize this cause I don't have to try to be in or get stuck in  a relationship with pre-conceived notions like; not being allowed to have sex with other people. However does anyone have the answer for being able to having a friend you like having sex with but just keep it that way, a friendship with sex? Oh heavenly father let me find the way.