According To Herself - I

I've always liked dancers. I enjoy dancing. It's no wonder that I have a few as friends.  See there were a few well known ballet dancers who hung out in the same circles that I did. Fate eventually happened and I became so much a part of their world. They enjoyed my company I enjoyed theirs. I never felt like I didn't belong. They weren't my friend because they pitied me. They genuinely thought me as one of them. For me that meant everything. I considered myself a pretend dancer. I mean no one has ever paid to see me dance.

I didn't mind being a spectator of their love they were such the amazing couple and to be their friend to be able to see that love up close, I felt special. I also was able to find a ballet guy of my own. A bit goofy but wonderful in his own way. Someone greatly athletic and talented be into me, who knew? So as couples we did lots of things together. There was no mistake who the shining couple was. They were the Angelina and Brad Pitt couple of ballet. It came to a surprise when she came to one day saying she hasn't talked to him in weeks or seen him for days. She thinks it might be over, but wished he would talk to her. How could this happen to them, not her. Not my best friends.

I said I would find out for her. If there was any help to mend the relationship or if it's ended I'd let her know. I was suppose to meet him for this night of stuff only we would enjoy it was our night to get way from our loving half with stuff planned in prior weeks. He's a bit of an old ball like me. It was a good way to these things and not be alone. After getting the news from her l thought he might have changed his mind about wanting to hang with me.  I texted something like I guess with the certain circumstances our night out together is off. He replied of course we are still going to do it. It's going to be the best night ever.

We started the night at the spot it would end, exploring the city's dark and twisted places  only we of our crowd could delight in. Wild strange parties with weird fantastic people. Dancing under crazy fluorescent lights. I even think there was karaoke sung by people wearing fur animal costumes in a bar that mimicked the cosmos. It was a night I wouldn't forget. I have to say that I love everyone dearly in the ballet circle I became a part of. But how I'm feeling about him tonight is different. It never crossed my mind to think of him this way. He has always been with her, happy with her. I shake the feelings aside. However I had to ask why before we continued tonight he quickly said that it is over between them. He said that she can't let go and tries to avoid her because she doesn't want it to be over. He grabs my hand. Come on! It's on to the next place. Did I just see that. Is he feeling this too. But he feels comfortable about it. Has he been feeling this way before. Am I just now seeing it? Is my imagination wanting it to be true?

The night is mid way and my boyfriend pops up to see how things are going.  Goofier than ever to the point of irritation. Is it that I always find him this annoying. I try to brush it off. I kiss him goodbye. He's perfect he's mine.

The night is winding down for the big finish. I'm finally able to catch my breath. But before the closing ceremony starts he wants to take me out to the beach side that the bar has. It's suppose to be the best view of the coast ever. Once we push through the crowd and reach the patio and look out the glass, the perfect moment he was trying to set dies. He forgot there has been an unusual surge of water and there is no way we can walk out to the beach side and enjoy the view. Not without certain risk of death. We go back in, surprised to see her we dart off before she can see us. I don't know how to act because I keep getting these feelings coming out nowhere about him and as the night has progressed I think he cares for me to, but is it the same as I feel? I don't know. Seeing her only adds guilt. I am her friend also after all. He pulls me away to hide.  He heads us to the girls bathroom. I tell him no he can't, it will be awkward. Here? No one will notice, no one will care. Fine, he grabs a wig off someone. Now I can. Where in the bathroom for a while the girls adore him and have a little fun. I tell him this is silly we're going to miss the last bit of the night. We don't want to miss the big ceremony. We head out, she is still there and truly enjoying herself, thinking only of herself. I can see the jealousy in him as he watches her. It makes me feel weak. I let him go to stand by her. The enjoyment she was having quickly washes away. They have a talk. I watch the ceremony half heartily. The conversation ends. I sense she is feeling sad. I walk up to her and give her a hug from behind. I feel her fall into my hug and pull away at the same time. I know that she cares for our friendship, but I do not know if she will be the same friend as before. I think about my boyfriend and then I think about him. I watch him as he dances something inside me intensifies. I join him, not knowing what decision I'll make.

Comfortable Shoes--- Books Not Boys

Lying in bed not able to fall asleep is a dangerous thing for me. My head is spinning like a roulette table. Where the ball lands nobody knows and only trouble will ensue. I need to just learn to grab a book and read a few pages instead of my phone. It only leads to stalking lost loves and old crushes.

Which then leads me to accidentally sending a video  chat request a 2: 30 am. How come there isn't a in case you're stalking an old crush disable all chat capabilities settings for when your phone slips out of your hand and you won't push a chat button by mistake, Goggle? My lighting speed reactions couldn't stop this snafu. Because now all of a sudden my phone is no longer super sensitive to my touch. No matter how I panickly hit the red cancel button for this request the phone just isn't going to respond. Also, just so you know hitting the back button in this instance doesn't cancel it either, as I cleverly thought would rectify the situation. So there I am almost  3 am thinking damn I just got caught and now try sleeping on that. Constantly thinking what if I set his phone off. Maybe he doesn't have goggle hangouts open on his phone. So maybe, it was sent to his email, no harm right? Ok I'll just send something in the morning apologizing, to stop him from thinking I'm so far deranged and crazy, and can't leave him alone that I think a 2 am video chat request is acceptable.

After my eyelids have finally grown heavy and I'm starting my new day I send an email explaining my unintentional late night actions. 'Click,  and just like me as I hit send, what if he never got any notice at all because he doesn't use hangouts on any of his devices and I just told on myself. Then I start romanticizing. What if, my snafu was a blessing in disguise and now he knows I'm available and maybe still interested and he's single and to make a grand gesture he's going to just show up wherever I am to confess how much he's a jack ass for not noticing how perfect a mate I would be and have a ring. 'Snap Snap!' Andria, one life is not like a romcom , two, you don't like surprises, and three, you already know you are going to die alone and penniless.  Though there is hope maybe not penniless if I just leave them boys alone.